Supporting loved ones struggling with addiction during the holidays

Family holiday get-togethers can seem like a minefield for someone struggling with a substance use disorder or in early recovery. Sometimes, well-intentioned family members do and say the wrong things.

“I see it all, even the extreme,” said Deb Chmieleski, Psychotherapist, MA, LADC, and CEO/Program Director at Reflections, an outpatient substance use treatment program with locations in Stillwater, St. Paul, and Duluth.

Chmieleski said Reflections provides substance abuse and mental health treatment in a safe, comfortable, and confidential environment that promotes health and wellness. Reflections also provides free support to families through its weekly Wednesday morning Zoom meetings that are open to everyone.

“Wanting that loved one, who has the addiction, to come back into the family system when they’re not strong, can be hard. The challenge is the fact that family members don’t change anything, but they want their loved one with the addiction to change everything.”

“I really believe in treating people with respect and kindness,” she added. “They say if your environment looks healthy and your surroundings are soft and gentle, you attract more people, and they can heal.”

Chmieleski went on to say that even if a loved one went to treatment for 30 days, it could take up to 3 years for the brain to build all the neurotransmitters back to have success daily. “It’s a long journey.”

She says the key to success is support, especially from the family. During the holidays, that can be tricky, but Chmieleski has several tips to help make gatherings less triggering for a loved one struggling with addiction or in sobriety. 

1.  Don’t expect them to come, but keep opening the door

Family dynamics can be challenging, even triggering for someone in recovery and trying to get their life back, according to Chmieleski. She said let your loved one know they are welcome, but don’t have expectations.

2.  Don’t ask “How are you doing?” Instead, say, “It’s good to see you.”

Chmieleski said her clients feel like they’re being asked how long they have been sober when a loved one says, “How are you doing?” The question focuses on their disease when they just want to be treated normally. “Let’s be honest, we’re not asking everyone else about their deficits at holiday gatherings,” Chmieleski pointed out.

3.  Rethink your holiday traditions

If cocktails have been a big focus of the family get-togethers, consider other options like coffee, soda, or games. “It’s like if someone struggling with obesity is trying to lose weight and you’re making chocolate cake every day,” Chmieleski explained. “Do you really think that person is going to be successful?”

4.  Don’t give advice

Chmieleski said you’re not the doctor and you’re not the professional. “A lot of times families get caught up in ‘If you only did what I said,’ which is like telling someone with clinical depression to ‘just smile, you’ll be fine.’”

5.  Simply open your heart

Rather than fixing, Chmieleski advised that families focus on love. “Just be there to listen, provide a meal, a ride to an appointment and other types of recovery support.”

Learn more about Reflections’ offerings for someone struggling with addiction and supports for families at https://www.reflections-mn.com/.